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ASU Football: The cynical Sun Devil's guide to the Utah Utes

If you haven't heard, 'upset' is Utah's middle name. So what's the worst that could happen when Arizona State takes the field against the Utes Saturday?

Prepare yourselves, Sun Devil fans. This is what it looks like when Utah pulls off an upset.
Prepare yourselves, Sun Devil fans. This is what it looks like when Utah pulls off an upset.
George Frey

Last week, we got the cynical party started with an in-depth look at what might go wrong when Arizona State took on Washington State.

But everything that could go right, did go right.

The now No. 22 Sun Devils played perhaps their most flawless game of the season, crushing the Cougars, 53-24, while never seeming aware of the weather for a second.

Heading into Week 2 of this feature, it would be easy to suggest that being a huge a Debbie Downer paid off. But since my whole gimmick is playing the pessimist, I'm going to pretend proclaim that last Thursday gave me zero confidence and the Sun Devils still have plenty to fear when they take on the Pac-12's giant-slayers this Saturday.

Arizona State is 4-3 on the road against Utah all time but has produced nine consecutive wins against the Utes, one shy of the Pac-12 record for consecutive games won against a single team. Yet as their giant-slayer label suggested, these Utes wear a headdress of a different feather (#NativeAmericanJokeFail).

In its last home game, Utah pulled off a 27-21 over Stanford. Yes, the same Stanford team that put on a 'this is what a BCS football team looks like' clinic against Arizona State back in September.

In Utah's previous home game before that, the Utes came one touchdown shy of taking then No. 12 UCLA to overtime even though their quarterback, Travis Wilson, threw a mindbogglingly-bad six interceptions.

Speaking of overtime, Utah actually forced extra football against Oregon State in the week before UCLA as they managed to hang with Sean Mannion's offensive onslaught before falling 51-48 in OT.

So, let's get this straight: Utah has already proven it can withstand takeaways (the bread and butter of Arizona State's defense) and trade blows in a shootout (Arizona State's M.O.) as long as they're playing at home.

Where is this game being played again? Oh yeah, that's right: at the most gorgeous stadium in all the Pac-12 located in the outskirts of Mormonville, USA.

And let's not forget about that incredible Stanford upset. The Utes held Stanford to half the points that Arizona State was able to mainly because of one trait: their physicality. It just so happens that the only two teams that Arizona State has lost to this season, Stanford and Notre Dame, are two of the most physical in the nation.

At this point, all that's left is to pray that a Pac-12 Championship derailing loss wasn't part of Joseph Smith's prophecy (bum, bum, bum, bum, bum).

The Cynical Sun Devil's Worst Case Scenario: Former ASU head coach and current Utah offensive coordinator Dennis Erickson calls the game of his life and his offense racks up 689 total yards (and 115 yards of personal foul penalties)...QB Travis Wilson used the bye week to replace his injured throwing hand with an Anakin Skywalker-esque robo-prosthetic. With his midi-chlorian count now off the charts, Wilson totals seven touchdowns and 544 total yards in a career-best game...Those physical Utes channel their inner Richie Incognitos and slap the Sun Devils around like a bunch of Jonathan Martins (hateful voicemail not included)...following the loss, the Sun Devils are sentenced to the Telestial Kingdom with the rest of the "liars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers" BECAUSE MORMONISM JOKES NEVER GET OLD.